


Evolving Aspirations

by thejeeperswife



Series: Cullen Rutherford Appreciation Week 2019 [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Atonement - Freeform, Don't copy to another site, F/M, Kinloch Hold, Kirkwall, Knights - Freeform, Lyrium, Lyrium Addiction, Lyrium Withdrawal, Mages, PTSD, Templar Cullen, Templars, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-29 15:14:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20084308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thejeeperswife/pseuds/thejeeperswife
Summary: First Entry for Cullen Appreciation Week 2019!Cullen shifting goals from childhood to leaving his beloved Templar Order.Entry Theme Song:  "The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel





	Evolving Aspirations

Cullen remembered the day he declared he wanted to be a templar. He rushed into the living space inside the family’s small farmhouse, panting and sweating head to toe. He startled his mother fixing a small lunch for his father after a long morning in the barley fields. From the porch, his siblings each shared their opinions. Mia continually hollered at him about such a silly idea. Rosalie whimpered and cried at the idea her big brother might leave that very day. Branson just mumbled under his breath that there was no way the Templar Order would accept such a wiry and shy farm boy.

“I am going to be a templar!” Cullen called with excitement.

Every person present had a differing view on this goal. His father barely acknowledged the declaration, his mind already developing a plan to keep his eldest son on the farm. Chess will allow him to “fight” mentally and not leave on this foolish quest. All of his ancestors were farmers, not warriors. He thought it was just a phase. His son will inherit the land and continue the Rutherford lifestyle. 

Cullen’s mother face filled with worry. The idea of her child going off and fighting wicked mages frightened her. He had duties here. They were a family and cannot be separated so early. He was her son, her _child_ how she vowed to protect at birth. Her blue eyes flashed to her husband, hopeful he knew how to erase this nonsense from the boy’s mind.

By the time the knight-captain at the Chantry visited Cullen’s parents at home when he was thirteen, the whole Rutherford family changed their tunes, especially Mia. His sister became his greatest supporter by then, the final push for his parents agreed to allow their eldest son to pursue his dream. She knew after finally beating her in chess, this was what Cullen was meant to do.

Cullen reflected on his time at Denerim’s templar academy. He and the other recruits never really bonded closely, only as a family separated from their parents and former lives. They all enjoyed the training, sparring, and comradery, but Cullen was constantly referred as the “Master’s Pet”. He constantly studied instead of horsing around with the other recruits. Alistair Theirin became Cullen’s opposite. The strawberry blond jokester preferred to turn the Chant into a song about food or waltzing into the mess hall essentially naked and ready for duty. The young curly haired Cullen would not admit it openly, but the stunt was hilarious. While Cullen buried his head in books or sparred every free moment, Alistair was the boy to hang out with when he was not scrubbing pots. Cullen declared to the other recruits he wanted to be the best templar, so distractions and games was not an option.

The first time the templar recruit saw Kinloch Hold, his amber eyes sparkled. Soon after arriving, Cullen took his Vigil, dedicating his life in service to the Templar Order. The first potent lyrium dose was thick and burned his insides. However, he barely cared about what the lyrium did to templars over time. He was a tempar knight now, fully accepted by his fellow brothers and sisters. He immediately wrote his family, fighting through the blue draught’s pains to excitedly tell his family everything.

The first temptation against the Order’s rules came from Maya Amell, an older apprentice with wavy blonde hair and sparking sky blue eyes. Since he was eight, nothing pulled him away from his duty and study. Now, one of his charges gazed at him with the same shy and bashful smile that makes him melt inside. If her friends Jowan or Vamet Surana were nearby, they sometime caught the glances, but thought nothing of it.

Cullen’s first true failure as a person and templar came when he never spoke and confessed his romantic involvement with Maya Amell. Knight-Commander Greagior and First Enchanter Irving questioned each templar, searching for the knight who gave into a forbidden romance with a mage. Irving plead for the man to step forward. They already lost Vamet Surana during his Harrowing. Another recent mage should not fall either.

Cullen kept silent. He knew he will be removed from the Order if they discovered his involvement. However, he will never regret sharing his virgin body with Maya. She survived her Harrowing with Cullen chosen to kill her if she had failed. She gave him her innocence and his to her. The knight loved her deeply, willing to risk life and limb to just share a kiss with her. Her love affair only came to light when Greagior wanted to rage against the mage and the first-enchanter who allowed the blood mage, her best friend Jowan, from fleeing the Circle with no way to track him.

Templar Cullen did not find out until it was too late Maya’s punishment. His first doubt in the Templar Order and the Circles occurred seeing the woman he loved branded and made tranquil. She was not a danger, proving at her Harrowing she could resist demons. Yet, because she “corrupted a templar” and allowed a blood mage to flee, the punishment was severe. Cullen crumbled and cried, calling himself a coward and fool for not saying a word. No wonder Irving begged for the man to reveal himself. If he had said something, she would still have her beautiful and open heart. At most, he or she would have moved Circles. They would both still live with their minds intact!

Uldred’s blood rebellion occurred the moment Cullen stomped to the knight-commander’s office on the Circle’s upper levels to turn himself in. He could not live with himself. The guilt broke his faith in all he cherished. In the chaos, the knight was able to get the emotionless Maya out of the upper floors and into the larder. Alas, the blood mages captured him and threw him into that purple cage with his fellow templars.

That single knight was all who remained by the time the wardens arrived weeks later. Cullen’s mind no longer looked kindly at anyone. His whiskey eyes glared and he barked for annulment. None of them from the lower floor knew what happened to him and his templar friends, _his family!_ They ignored his cries and harsh insults at the creatures still alive after those hells. They just set him free and tended to his physical wounds. Cullen’s mental wounds never received the recovery he needed. Those demons’ attack just festered and warped inside his psyche. No one will listen to his rants and hatred. He mirrored a rabid mabari that no one wanted to kill behind the barn.

Cullen attacked two apprentices, but rumors say he went on a kill spree. Greagoir had enough. On the next horse, that raging knight reached Greenfell. They fed him lyrium by the gallons while chanting repeatedly. They reinforced his duty and cause. They used his underlining fear as a weapon to act against _those creatures_. When Knight-Commander Meredith’s summons arrived, Cullen no longer resembled that naïve templar who believed he could love and smile at his charges. By the time he reached Kirkwall’s docks, he knew mages were magical weapons, animals that required cages and watch constantly. Those blood mages deserved each and every punishment.

Meredith was pleased with this aggressive and narrow-minded man. She made him her knight-captain and second-in-command. Cullen was just a twenty-one years old, but a man whose experiences made him the type of knight the Gallows needed. She retrained him, molded him into the necessity she required for each twisted deed. If he made a mistake, she withheld his lyrium. If he acted proper and fully followed each order, she increased the lyrium. Since being denied the draught during those weeks in Kinloch, Cullen relied heavily on the drug to keep the demons away. He created a mental door chained, barred, and bolted to keep the horrors at bay. Lyrium secured the binds. He will follow his knight-commander every whim just as long as he received the draughts. In that, he became the knight she turned to for all exterior Gallows operations. He openly accepted training the recruits flocking to their cause and recapturing mages who fled the island Circle. Most are blood mages. All blood mages will die or get the brand.

A few years into his station at the Gallows, the stolid and hate-filled knight-captain met an unlikely ally, an apostate whose vigilante deeds should have had her imprisoned. At least she should be locked in the Gallows, her magic too dangerous to be allowed to walk free. Meredith held off on the order. This Hawke was winning favor with many nobles and merchants throughout Kirkwall. She even brought escaped mages to the Gallows only on the promise they were treated with respect. The templar rolled his eyes at the comment, knowing the Gallows will do what is necessary. She convinced the knight-captain to reconsider his position on some templar recruits thought possessed by demons. Somehow, Cullen found he could trust this apostate, but knew exactly what she could become.

The years pass. Mia finally found him in Kirkwall, asking for him to write back. Since they lost their parents, his biological family struggled. He just sent them money, barely any words written on the accompanying parchment. To acknowledge his family, it means he must open that barred door deep in his heart and mind. He will never open it. 

However, this Veronica Marian Hawke started to chip away at Cullen’s hatred, showing him time and again when injustice occurred under his nose. The blinders of those constant chants and dedication from Greenfell slowly slip away. He witnessed the high number of tranquil mages around him and the begging ex-templars kicked out of the Order for disobeying orders. Again and again, his twisted mind dependent on lyrium and faith reminded him that was all justified. Yet, Hawke asked him if it was _fair _and _right_. He still believed in his duties and the Order. This had been his life since he was a boy. His duty was blessed by Andraste. Surely, this was what the Bride of the Maker desired…right? Kirkwall crawled with blood mages, but Hawke reminded him that they turned to blood magic because of the Gallows’ abuses and fear. They never wanted to turn to the practice, but felt no other choice.

Knight-Commander Meredith saw her knight-captain’s hesitations. She limited his lyrium, but still his changing view do not shift back. However, he was still useful. As the knight-commander consolidated her power after the Viscount’s death, her biggest challenger was that apostate. Cullen handled her well enough. Meredith sent Cullen away more often so she can run the Gallows without his questionable gaze.

Again, the knight-captain slept with a mage. After a screaming match at Hawke’s mansion, both drunk people fell into each other’s kisses and humps, giving into their need to _feel_ again. Cullen knew Meredith kept him in the dark now. He did not care if his commanding officer finds out. He needed to feel something through the apathetic lyrium. Hawke openly accepted the rolling and thrusts through the night. She too desired to break from the world for just a moment. Cullen broke the rules against. Now, he did not fucking care. He was done with the bullshit and deceit. For one night, he will fuck away his rage.

Kirkwall’s Chantry exploded. The first enchanter turned into a hunger demon. Meredith wielded a red templar sword, laughing and summoning statues with its poisonous control. Cullen declared then to finally break from command. He disobeyed orders, and he swore he would stand with the Champion Hawke. They stopped both creatures. Hawke was made viscount. The Templar Order gifted Cullen the rank of knight-commander. The rank should make him beam with pride and honor, but all Cullen can see was how far he had fallen.

The Templar Order the Fereldan warrior loved was a lie, a dedication to hatred and abuse that required all templars to follow all orders or never get their precious drug again. In those few years, Cullen assisted rebuilding the city. Not too long afterwards, Hawke left, the threats from the remaining templars too much for her and her friends. Cullen was left with a ruined city. He can barely help it, but he does anyway. He knew he caused this chaos, blinded by hatred and addiction. His mental door’s defenses crumble as each sin bashes and slams against the restraints. The horrors jump out and constantly remind him of everything he has done and experienced.

No amount of rebuilding and proper command can save his black and ruined soul.

However, it seemed the Maker was not done with Cullen Rutherford yet. A seeker named Cassandra Pentaghast visited and reviewed what occurred at Kirkwall. She searched for the Champion and was disappointed the apostate disappeared. However, her trip bore fruit. This broken and battered templar leading and overseeing a ruined city might just what the Divine’s directive needs. The seeker offered the knight-commander a job, lead a possible Inquisition army if peace does not occur at the Conclave.

Cullen thought on it and remarked he will accept only if he is allowed to break the lyrium chain. It was high time he took back control of his own life. Expecting resistance, the seeker agreed, beaming at this dangerous but meaningful goal. They sail for Ferelden almost immediately.

So, as Cullen stands on the frigate’s deck watching Kirkwall slowly disappear from sight, the man throws his last lyrium draught into the sea. He fears what this means now. He will likely die from this impossible mission. No other known templar has attempted and survived. Cullen does not care. Since that moment he raced into his family farmhouse at the age of eight, Cullen has a new goal, something more enriching. He will atone for his faults and failures. Lyrium withdrawal will be his constant punishment for the rest of his life.

In chucking that lyrium draught, Cullen Stanton Rutherford declares with a booming baritone shout he is no longer a templar knight.


End file.
